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Sunday, May 15, 2011

99.9% there

Hello friends:  It has been a while since I last blogged and that is simply because I didn't know what to blog about.  There has been many new developments in my life regarding recovery and it was just hard to decide which to write about. 

So, I made a decision to write about...shall I dare to admit it...Almost recovered!!!  I titled this entry 99.9% because that's how close I feel to being fully RECOVERED.  You may be critical, cynical even.  Or you may even be doubtful of the possibility that there is such a thing as being fully RECOVERED.  I used to feel that way too.  But, I honestly feel more recovered than at any other time in my life.  On some days I feel 99.7% but it's pretty close.  I feel good. Jennifer Schafer and others have written about their journeys as being RECOVERED but I had my doubts.  BUT, it's happening, my friend, it's happening.

I was always struggling with something.  Keeping the weight down, keeping the food down, battling the number on the scale, eating forbidden food and secretly taking diet pills. I constantly compared my body and my whole self with others.  I always had something to focus on that prevented me from feeling truly alive and free.  But over the past year, I have made tremendous progress in these areas.  I have faced fears that once seemed insurmountable.  Things I once shied away from, challenges that seemed bigger than me and personal awarenesses such as pride that I didn't want to admit to have seemed less scary. This year something made it worth the little more effort it took to merely be IN RECOVERY, the little EXTRA it took to be RECOVERED. 

Staring into the sun is what I call it.  I can't tell you exactly what it was that kept me going, the "not turning away" so to speak.  The one more step over the sidelines. I took the risk and it has made all the difference.  And, now I am almost there.  What exactly is THERE? I do not know how to answer really.  But I will know once I have arrived, that I trust.  Because I know I have arrived HERE and although I don't know exactly know how I got HERE, I know what HERE feels like therefore I trust I will recognize THERE in the same way I know HERE.  (got that??)

Although I don't know what it is that is missing, the missing .1% I am determined to keep working on it, searching for it.  That is the journey I'm on.  I'm determined to keep taking the next step, keep walking.  And, I don't beat myself up for where I am not, as I used to.  I am very proud of the 99.9%.  It's been a lot of hard work, and I say again I am proud of myself and my work.

If you are struggling with the 20%, 50% or 75%, take this very moment to congratulate yourself for that work.  It is really 100% of who you are really, not simply the work that you have put into your recovery.  Take this moment to be proud of what and who you are and what and who you are becoming.  The work you are progressing on can offer you motivation and direction but it is just as important to take a moment to look at how far you have already come, the 10%, 40% or 85%.  Because at any point, you are also 100% of all of you. You are completely you right here in the moment, not merely 45% recovered from an eating disorder.   

Recovered....what a concept!!!!!

1 comment:

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